After all...user manual for a spoon [Time Out Safety]

Many years ago, when I worked for the satirical page of the then prestigious Moscow weekly Literaturnaya Gazeta, we published a spoof safety instruction manual for an STS - \´standard table spoon\´. I can\´t remember exactly what it said, something like: "standard table spoon consists of two parts: (1) Holder and (2) slurper. When using STS, make sure you get a firm hold of the Holder with your right hand (or your left hand, in case you are lefthanded) and that the liquid off the slurper is absorbed with the help of a face orifice, normally referred to as \´mouth\´ - as opposed to another face orifice, often referred to as \´nose\´ - taking every precaution while moving the sTs slowly in the direction of the abovedesignated orifice?? "